And Speaking of Ducks...

When Danielle and I aren't coloring things, we really like to read about dinosaurs and watch totally grown-up TV shows about dinosaurs. Indeed, for a recent special occasion, Danielle got me the following card, clearly purchased in the sophisticated adults section of the card store:

"I really wish this card didn't provide so many inappropriate Photoshop opportunities."

The card came with something even more exciting: 15 capsules of GROW YOUR OWN DINOSAURS! Remember the things you used to beg your parents to buy? Surely, you would soon have your own rampaging carnosaurs who would eat all of your teachers and end homework forever. Too fucking bad they're just sponges! Suck it, kids.

Anyway, I naturally assumed that 15 years of new technology would have made them even better! But alas, it seems that the encapsulated sponge industry has only deteriorated over the last decade and a half. Because instead of 15 dinosaurs, I got this shitty menagerie:

"Dammit. These are only slightly more alive than Sea Monkeys."

For those not keeping score at home, we have 7 "dinosaurs", and 8 non-dinosaurs. Sure, you can be pedantic and point out that ducks are technically dinosaurs, but I can be equally pedantic and point out that plesiosaurs are not technically dinosaurs (such basic knowledge that I won't even provide a link). So at best, only 54% of the capsules were filled with dinosaurs, and that's only if you round up for .3 repeating, and who does that bullshit anyway?

So not getting our dinosaur fix from the capsules, we set out for the dollar store, and got something that will surely give us HOURS of dinosaur fun...

"Fuck your coloring book, this is a BOOK TO COLOR!"

...but that's for another post.

-- Bruce and [a few half-assed additions by] Danielle

Isn't Sandy the Prude Chick from "Grease"?

We're not divulging too much demographic information by saying that we're currently in the path of a hurricane (for extra anonymity, we won't say which one). We're just waiting for the highway to develop waves, or maybe even a full current and tides system. It's goddamn terrifying out there.

Luckily, we are not in Atlantic City, which by now is probably just fucking Atlantis. The pained cries of gamblers denied their indulgences can be heard up and down the coast.

Of course, our first thought was, "Oh shit! There is no way we are going outside, even to buy coloring books." Thankfully, we have the internet. A periphery Google search for "weather coloring pages" yielded spectacular results - many of them at best tangentially related to the weather.

Here are some of the most random search results:

"Is that a sun in the background? I guess that's sort of like weather."

"Just a few hats short of The Village People!"

"..."

Bruce feels inexplicably guilty after viewing this one, and Danielle is really starting to question whether she should be hanging around his apartment so often.

But fear not! We also found a lot of great weather-related coloring pages. So we went to the business center in Bruce's "luxury apartment" building to print them out. Since school here was cancelled, the business center was fucking crawling with elementary school aged children who were playing first person shooters. Naturally, we told them to get the fuck out because we had important grown up stuff to do.

Unfortunately, the printer turned out to be nothing but a giant fucking paperweight, so we had to come up with Plan B: MS Paint.

 For your viewing pleasure, here's some shit we colored using only our laptops:

Danielle was a bit creeped out that, continuing in the serial killer theme, Bruce's meteorologist kid is clearly wearing a bow tie made from human flesh. Bruce notes that, "Making clothing from the skin of your enemy is a beautiful sign of your devotion to Almighty Chac, Lord of the Rains."

"It was disturbingly easy to turn this children's picture into the poster from my gynecologist's office."

 If you're going to email us about how this comparison is offensive to victims of hurricanes, keep in mind that no hurricane has ever given birth to Hitler. Also, Danielle was a Katrina victim. But yeah, definitely that Hitler thing.

Lastly, we give you this glorious shitpile:

This one was found under the title "Nice Weather for Ducks". We don't actually have a caption for it, but we're posting it to shamelessly increase our pageviews by pandering to the internet's most powerful community: furries.

- Danielle and Bruce

Who is Responsible for This?!?

Both being of MILD internet fame and of at least mild intelligence when not entirely sleep-deprived, we've decided to remain mostly anonymous here. But, we realize you're probably dying to know just how very pretty we are, so we're offering a compromise: crayon-colored drawings of each of us!

Originally, the plan was for us each to draw the other, but this was Bruce's drawing of Danielle:

"I assure you, my head is not actually shaped like a toilet brush." 

Bruce has been put into the corner and told to think about what he did, and Danielle drew slightly better pictures of both of us.

"Actually, it doesn't look entirely UNLIKE me. I definitely own that hair bow."

 

"Oh, who are we kidding?!? At this point, anyone reading this fucking thing knows us. At the very least, you can admire how well I captured the essence of Bruce in this mother-fucking brilliant display of artistic prowess."

-Bruce and Danielle

Hey Kids, It's Mr. Biggles!

So, despite the unseasonably warm weather, it is indeed fall. And what happens in the fall? Well, apparently, Trader Joe's hosts a shitty kids' coloring contest (bullshit alert: we were "too old" to enter) and gives away coloring pages at the registers.

HOLY SHIT.

The coloring page features a smiling, anthropomorphic bear named MR. BIGGLES, and there is no way to construe what he is doing to that jack-o-lantern as anything innocent...and not just because it's obvious that no one named Mr. Biggles could NOT be some kind of disturbed sicko.

So here's Mr. Biggles, kids, here to wish you a happy fucking fall!

Danielle's Take

"Frankly, it's some fucking bullshit that you can't read my captions. It definitely makes my picture look like the more benign of the two. To clarify, the title at the bottom reads: 'Because Pumpkins Can't Say No', and the speech bubble reads: 'The candle inside gives me a nice warm sensation!'. I now really regret not having him say, 'it's a sensation feeling'."

Bruce's Take

"I interpreted Mr. Biggles as a serial killer, especially in the 'killer klown' tradition, hence the blue fur and white body. Blood is spattered on the wall of the basement or crawlspace where he has taken the pumpkin, presumably to eviscerate it and eat its flesh. For my caption, I took inspiration from the famous 'From Hell' letter, allegedly sent by Jack the Ripper." 

Now, I know we are already breaking our promise to provide you with quality dollar store coloring book pages, but come the fuck on: these are clearly worth far more than the, well, nothing we paid for them.

- Bruce and Danielle

One Crayon Short

Two short weeks ago, we, ages 25 and 26,  made the life-altering decision to incorporate coloring into our relationship. It was a decision not made in haste, but out of genuine love and passion for shitty children's art mediums. We went to the local Dollar Tree and bought some appropriately heinous coloring books and a 96-pack of Crayola crayons. Then we went to town on our newly acquired treasures. Just a few pictures in, though, one of us (who shall not be named) broke the "Yellow" crayon - reducing us to just 95 colors, only two of them primary. Let us interject, here, that this was particularly heartbreaking, as so many of the crayons have fantastically hilarious names; yet, we are stuck recounting the tale of "Yellow".

It was truly a tragedy for the ages. But once the tears dried up, we realized that it was actually a blessing in disguise: the address 96crayons.blogspot.com was already taken, while 95crayons.blogspot.com was free.

It bears noting that 96crayons.blogspot.com is a complete fucking waste of cyberspace. It is literally just a picture of crayons. It is nothing but a goddamn picture of crayons. There's not even 96 of them in the picture. At least our picture shows the box. It's clearly the superior of the two pictures. So, even though it ended up being our windfall, if you're out there, 96crayons.blogspot.com, you can just fuck right off.

In any event, on this blog we plan to share the coloring book drawings we make together. Hopefully, you will enjoy the many artistic liberties we take, and we can showcase the fact that real art can be found anywhere, even at the gas station or the grocery store...fuck it: ESPECIALLY at the gas station or grocery store. We all know that the best things in life come from the fucking gas station.

-Bruce and Danielle