Adult Assembly Required

Merry Christmas!

Yesterday, Bruce excitedly posted a picture of his Christmas present, and has been impatiently awaiting its assembly ever since. Unfortunately, while the box calls this a "Terrifying T-rex", it fails to mention that it really means "Terrifyingly difficult to fucking assemble". When we finally opened the box, we were greeted by a pile of dinosaur parts that would put the Hell Creek Formation itself to shame:

In case you just think Bruce has a tiny dining room table, here is a picture to give you a sense of scale. This is the T-Rex's tongue (just the goddamn tongue) in Bruce's hand (and for those of you who don't know, Bruce also has giant hands):

But something wasn't in the box: markers. Even with our staggering expertise, this was clearly too big of a job for crayons. Given that it was Christmas, this could have ended in tragedy, but thankfully, the godless heathens at the local 24 hour CVS were happy to sell us a 10-pack of Crayola markers at a reasonable price. 

We quickly got to work...but got sidetracked for a bit when we realized what could be done with a partially completed dinosaur sculpture.

"Prior to posing for this picture, I was taking a nap on the couch and woke up with this fucking thing next to me, horse head-style."

Five hours later, the poor guy finally got a completed lower jaw, and our orange marker was on its last legs.

That's all the work we could put into this today. We're off to go be a "normal" couple and see a movie. Anyway, it's totally one of those Christmas presents you work on for the whole of your vacation (Bruce originally wrote "winter break", but we realized we're too damn old to have winter break. We're going back to work tomorrow. Dammit.). When completed, it will have a body, two arms, and will appear to be BURSTING THE FUCK OUT OF A WALL.

-- Bruce

There Will Be Markers

So yeah, it's been a while since we've last updated this blog. I've been busy with work, and Danielle hasn't been feeling well. But rest assured: we're still together and still coloring.

In fact, we started working on a Thanksgiving post, and got this far:

"Kemal Mustafa Ataturkey"

"Ottoman Turkeys Defeating the Hamgarians at the Battle of Mohacs, 1526"

But, alas, there is only so far you can run with the revelation that Turkey is both the name of a type of meat and the name of a country, and it just wasn't enough for a full post. 

And that's where things remained...until I unwrapped my holiday present from Danielle today. Drumroll please.........

TERRIFYING T-REX! A 3 foot wide, 3-D sculpture that you can mount on your wall...and that you get to color yourself! Will I be able to complete this tomorrow? Will my roommate die from terror upon coming back from Christmas vacation? Will the box contain markers?

All these questions and more will be answered...on tomorrow's episode of 95 crayons. 

-- Bruce

(PS: even with our long hiatus, we STILL have more posts than the lazy bastards at http://96crayons.blogspot.com) 

Wait, people get PAID for this shit?

We here at 95 Crayons do, in fact,  have [non-coloring book] day jobs and indulge in this..."hobby" on a part-time basis. Indeed, we do this on a volunteer basis (or pro bono, for those of you who were transported here from Ancient Rome and found us while trying to figure out this whole Internet thing). We know it's difficult to believe, but we haven't found adding suggestive captions to children's coloring books to be an overly lucrative venture.

And we didn't think anyone else did, either, until we found this:

Bunny on a swing, giant cartoon eyes, brightly colored flowers: all just inviting us to corrupt this whimsical children's plaything. But, upon opening, we saw that somebody beat us to it.

"'Basket' is actually his pet name for Mrs. Easterbunny."

"...but he swore he was just holding it for a friend."

No, it's not the black one, you fucking racist! The one on the bottom left has four whiskers, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 

OK, this caption isn't suggestive, but there's something really creepy going on here, which suggests that the dots are going to be connected by an officer of the vice squad. 

This is made even better by the fact that Eggbert inexplicably has a flat top. 

-Bruce and Danielle

Oh, the Humanity!

So Bruce is out of town this weekend and I'm going it alone. Actually, I'm spending most of the weekend moving, which is an enormous pain in the ass. There's nothing like packing all your shit into boxes to make you realize just how much worthless crap you own and just how very few boxes the important parts of your life fit into. Also, both places currently look like an episode of "Hoarders". It's fucking atrocious.

Like this, but with more coloring books and dinosaur toys.

Anyway, to cure some mid-afternoon boredom, I began Googling phrases that I know can be found on our blog, just to see where we land in the search results. You see, to my great delight, I was recently informed that we are the TOP Google search result when you enter "Mr. Biggles Trader Joe's". You don't even need the fucking quotes. Check this brilliant shit out! On a whim, I decided to search "Rampaging Coloring Fun". This led to a truly shocking and disturbing discovery: not only do we not even make the front page of search results, some asshat is ripping people off on eBay by selling these dollar store coloring books for an unspeakable $2.99- plus an exorbitant $2.98 in shipping! Of course, I've taken it upon myself to selflessly and virtuously expose this lowlife.

And to think, this conniving motherfucker has 100% positive feedback!

This book must be much heavier than the other one. I can't imagine any other reason to charge a whopping $6.09 (approx. $6.10 Canadian) for shipping a fucking wad of paper. Bruce adds (from his remote location): "The only way a coloring book should be worth that much is if it is signed by a Kentrosaurus."

I think the packing tape fumes are getting to me.

-Danielle

Princess Party: Break Out the Pink Crayons!

For those of you who don't already know, there is definitely a Disney princess in this relationship (HINT: It's not Danielle). So, when we found the Princess "Giant Book to Color" (presumably published by the same geniuses behind our perennial favorite, "Rampaging Coloring Fun"), at least one of us was REALLY excited...just as every pretty little princess trapped in the body of a 26-year-old male should be.

Of course, we were both delighted to find that inside, this book holds a veritable treasure trove of princess pictures that could be effortlessly warped by our not-so-grown-up minds.

"I just farted!" 

Most people hide their butt plug and anal beads in a drawer, but, hey, you're a fucking princess, you can do whatever you want!

"They call it bestiality because it's the BEST." 

"...and here you'll find the cloaca." 

Hey kids, this is 2012! You can be a princess AND teach biology! (Danielle adds: "This would be the greatest and most disturbing PBS show ever.")

If Ian McKellen showed up to your door dressed like this, and declared, "I'm a princess!", would you have the balls to tell him he isn't? Neither of us would. 

Royally yours,

Bruce and Danielle

Animal Husbandry: Stories from the Bible

Suppose you're a young, enthusiastic coloring book artist who's into some weird shit...sexually. Let's say, oh, you like watching animals fuck. So, you go to art school and triumphantly receive your MFA in coloring. Then, you suddenly realize a cruel truth about the coloring book market: there's not much demand for coloring books about animals fucking.

But, wait! There is a lot of demand for anything Bible-related.

So what do you do if you just happen to be a sexual deviant hired to illustrate "Bible Stories"? Obviously, you draw pictures of animals fucking. Lots and lots of animals fucking.

"Unlike Tim Tebow, not every gator is a virgin"

"Ok, so I know I should make fun of these koalas' tender, post-coidal embrace, or maybe point out the fact that they've clearly incorporated foliage into their sexual escapades, but I'm completely distracted by the fact that that is fucking BAMBOO. Not only is this guy into some seriously kinky shit, he's also goddamn retarded."

"Legitimate rape never results in cubs."

"I can't help thinking I might have a touch of whatever this author has, since I continually find reptilian blowjobs in these books."

There were just too many of these to color, so here is a montage of some other animals getting to know each other "biblically":

Now, presumably the Noah's Ark story, in combination with the presence of more than two animals of each species, implies that at some point in Biblical times, some animals did the nasty (Danielle was really tempted to write, "...like they do on the Discovery Channel"). But this coloring book takes that subtle implication and makes it the foundational principle of Judeo-Christian scripture.

Let's run the numbers. There are 112 colorable pages in this "coloring and activity" book. Of them, fully 25 feature animals that genuinely and unmistakably look like they are actively engaged in a sexual act, or at least staring longingly at each other. Damn. That's 22%. Let's compare that to the sort of coverage that some other major Bible stories receive:

• Tower of Babel: 2 pages (1.8%)
• Jonah: 1 page (.9%)
• Jesus Christ: 1 page (.9%)
• The Ten Commandments: 0 pages (0%)
• Passover: 0 pages (0%)

At some point, the editors must have noted the preponderance of animals knocking proverbial (haha) boots, and threw in a few sexually suggestive drawings of human beings for good measure. You know, for those weirdos with biped fetishes.

The free Bible we got from that hotel room didn't have anything about Jerry Sandusky. I guess the Gideons are a bunch of Ohio State fans. 

"As my mother would say, 'There's another nice Jewish boy with his Shiksa whore.'"

"I'm a good friend of your parents. They're busy today and wanted me to take you home after the korbanot sacrifices." 

And finally, this one splits the baby (to use a biblical metaphor): 

Yours in Scripture,
Danielle and Bruce

Rampaging Coloring Fun I

As we excitedly paged through the dinosaur "book to color" that we found at the Dollar Tree, one thing became painfully obvious: some depressed, underpaid artist who truly fucking regrets every life choice he has ever made decided to vengefully fill this book with as many suggestive dinosaur pictures as possible. His editor either didn't care, or was too damn oblivious to pick up on any of it.

Of course, we set out to remove any subtlety and give each of these pictures the captions that they deserve. (Hint: if you haven't noticed yet, you can click on each of the thumbnails below to see a larger version of the picture.)

"Well shit. We've all been there, but hopefully not since third grade."

It's important to note that those little shit blobs are not a post-factory addition. They were actually in the ORIGINAL FUCKING PICTURE. It cannot just be us. These children's books are goddamn obscene.

"Hipsters ruined the late Cretaceous." 

"It is 'the world's oldest profession'."

"He's not gay, he's just confident in his masculinity...and his fashion sense."

"Really, Dude! It's not gay unless your balls touch!"

OK, there was at least one picture with a childish theme...unless, like us, you prefer to interpret this as the run-up to some non-consensual tickling of a chained kidnapping victim off-screen. 

There's much more where this came from. Stay tuned for MORE mesozoic coloring madness!

- Bruce and Danielle 

And Speaking of Ducks...

When Danielle and I aren't coloring things, we really like to read about dinosaurs and watch totally grown-up TV shows about dinosaurs. Indeed, for a recent special occasion, Danielle got me the following card, clearly purchased in the sophisticated adults section of the card store:

"I really wish this card didn't provide so many inappropriate Photoshop opportunities."

The card came with something even more exciting: 15 capsules of GROW YOUR OWN DINOSAURS! Remember the things you used to beg your parents to buy? Surely, you would soon have your own rampaging carnosaurs who would eat all of your teachers and end homework forever. Too fucking bad they're just sponges! Suck it, kids.

Anyway, I naturally assumed that 15 years of new technology would have made them even better! But alas, it seems that the encapsulated sponge industry has only deteriorated over the last decade and a half. Because instead of 15 dinosaurs, I got this shitty menagerie:

"Dammit. These are only slightly more alive than Sea Monkeys."

For those not keeping score at home, we have 7 "dinosaurs", and 8 non-dinosaurs. Sure, you can be pedantic and point out that ducks are technically dinosaurs, but I can be equally pedantic and point out that plesiosaurs are not technically dinosaurs (such basic knowledge that I won't even provide a link). So at best, only 54% of the capsules were filled with dinosaurs, and that's only if you round up for .3 repeating, and who does that bullshit anyway?

So not getting our dinosaur fix from the capsules, we set out for the dollar store, and got something that will surely give us HOURS of dinosaur fun...

"Fuck your coloring book, this is a BOOK TO COLOR!"

...but that's for another post.

-- Bruce and [a few half-assed additions by] Danielle

Isn't Sandy the Prude Chick from "Grease"?

We're not divulging too much demographic information by saying that we're currently in the path of a hurricane (for extra anonymity, we won't say which one). We're just waiting for the highway to develop waves, or maybe even a full current and tides system. It's goddamn terrifying out there.

Luckily, we are not in Atlantic City, which by now is probably just fucking Atlantis. The pained cries of gamblers denied their indulgences can be heard up and down the coast.

Of course, our first thought was, "Oh shit! There is no way we are going outside, even to buy coloring books." Thankfully, we have the internet. A periphery Google search for "weather coloring pages" yielded spectacular results - many of them at best tangentially related to the weather.

Here are some of the most random search results:

"Is that a sun in the background? I guess that's sort of like weather."

"Just a few hats short of The Village People!"

"..."

Bruce feels inexplicably guilty after viewing this one, and Danielle is really starting to question whether she should be hanging around his apartment so often.

But fear not! We also found a lot of great weather-related coloring pages. So we went to the business center in Bruce's "luxury apartment" building to print them out. Since school here was cancelled, the business center was fucking crawling with elementary school aged children who were playing first person shooters. Naturally, we told them to get the fuck out because we had important grown up stuff to do.

Unfortunately, the printer turned out to be nothing but a giant fucking paperweight, so we had to come up with Plan B: MS Paint.

 For your viewing pleasure, here's some shit we colored using only our laptops:

Danielle was a bit creeped out that, continuing in the serial killer theme, Bruce's meteorologist kid is clearly wearing a bow tie made from human flesh. Bruce notes that, "Making clothing from the skin of your enemy is a beautiful sign of your devotion to Almighty Chac, Lord of the Rains."

"It was disturbingly easy to turn this children's picture into the poster from my gynecologist's office."

 If you're going to email us about how this comparison is offensive to victims of hurricanes, keep in mind that no hurricane has ever given birth to Hitler. Also, Danielle was a Katrina victim. But yeah, definitely that Hitler thing.

Lastly, we give you this glorious shitpile:

This one was found under the title "Nice Weather for Ducks". We don't actually have a caption for it, but we're posting it to shamelessly increase our pageviews by pandering to the internet's most powerful community: furries.

- Danielle and Bruce

Who is Responsible for This?!?

Both being of MILD internet fame and of at least mild intelligence when not entirely sleep-deprived, we've decided to remain mostly anonymous here. But, we realize you're probably dying to know just how very pretty we are, so we're offering a compromise: crayon-colored drawings of each of us!

Originally, the plan was for us each to draw the other, but this was Bruce's drawing of Danielle:

"I assure you, my head is not actually shaped like a toilet brush." 

Bruce has been put into the corner and told to think about what he did, and Danielle drew slightly better pictures of both of us.

"Actually, it doesn't look entirely UNLIKE me. I definitely own that hair bow."

 

"Oh, who are we kidding?!? At this point, anyone reading this fucking thing knows us. At the very least, you can admire how well I captured the essence of Bruce in this mother-fucking brilliant display of artistic prowess."

-Bruce and Danielle