95 Crayons: Two "Adults" and Their Coloring Books: Animal Husbandry: Stories from the Bible

Suppose you're a young, enthusiastic coloring book artist who's into some weird shit...sexually. Let's say, oh, you like watching animals fuck. So, you go to art school and triumphantly receive your MFA in coloring. Then, you suddenly realize a cruel truth about the coloring book market: there's not much demand for coloring books about animals fucking.

But, wait! There is a lot of demand for anything Bible-related.

So what do you do if you just happen to be a sexual deviant hired to illustrate "Bible Stories"? Obviously, you draw pictures of animals fucking. Lots and lots of animals fucking.

"Unlike Tim Tebow, not every gator is a virgin"

"Ok, so I know I should make fun of these koalas' tender, post-coidal embrace, or maybe point out the fact that they've clearly incorporated foliage into their sexual escapades, but I'm completely distracted by the fact that that is fucking BAMBOO. Not only is this guy into some seriously kinky shit, he's also goddamn retarded."

"Legitimate rape never results in cubs."

"I can't help thinking I might have a touch of whatever this author has, since I continually find reptilian blowjobs in these books."

There were just too many of these to color, so here is a montage of some other animals getting to know each other "biblically":

Now, presumably the Noah's Ark story, in combination with the presence of more than two animals of each species, implies that at some point in Biblical times, some animals did the nasty (Danielle was really tempted to write, "...like they do on the Discovery Channel"). But this coloring book takes that subtle implication and makes it the foundational principle of Judeo-Christian scripture.

Let's run the numbers. There are 112 colorable pages in this "coloring and activity" book. Of them, fully 25 feature animals that genuinely and unmistakably look like they are actively engaged in a sexual act, or at least staring longingly at each other. Damn. That's 22%. Let's compare that to the sort of coverage that some other major Bible stories receive:

Tower of Babel: 2 pages (1.8%)
Jonah: 1 page (.9%)
Jesus Christ: 1 page (.9%)
The Ten Commandments: 0 pages (0%)
Passover: 0 pages (0%)

At some point, the editors must have noted the preponderance of animals knocking proverbial (haha) boots, and threw in a few sexually suggestive drawings of human beings for good measure. You know, for those weirdos with biped fetishes.